nite nite time for Caden 

Oh the Times They Are a Changin'

i have to say that for a change i had a really good day!!! i didnt really do anything and i didnt feel that the day was wasted either. hope to do the same tomarrow or today, dont know if its officially tuesday yet. i had the kids tonight, and that all went well. took this pic of cadie just before he went down for the count. couldnt even finnish his cool aid jammer.( i like the capri suns better) i dont have much to report today. i hope steph feels better. she didnt sound too chipper on her blog. again, when we can we should all try to get together. i will be taking some vacation time in july. maybe i can get an extra day between then and now and be off like everyone else on the weekend. maybe then we can do it here. i hope so, its about time for a good singin' lol.

poor spidey didnt have a chance 

Have You Seen This?

What's Your Element?
My Element Is Water
A bit of a contradiction, you can seem both lighthearted and serious.That's because you're good at going with the flow - but you also are deep.Highly intuitive, you tune in to people's emotions and moods easily.You are able to tap into deep emotional connections and connect with others.You prefer a smooth, harmonious life - but you can navigate your way around waves.You have a knack for getting people to get along and making life a little more peaceful.

Trying to make it till 7PM

i have a confession, i have been in a bad mood all day. i dont want to be , i even hate to be around myself. this is the kind of thing that will i guess me my ultimate demise. there isint much about this day that is just really objectional, asind from having to work with my ex for a few. even this i can take , im a professional. i just feel "not myself". posting this is helping a bit but this is a fast acting, short duration thing. i get to have my son tonight, im sure this will make me feel better. being around him always does. on a diffrent note i hope to start in the tanning bed soon. yeah i said tanning bed, i did once before and it really was very soothing. i relaxed AND got some sun. i am of irish ancestry and am very white. this is bad cause i love to were shorts in the summer. to add insult to injury i have skinny legs too. all these things together helped me make up my mind to change the only thing i can. this is an awefully small fix cause i dont tan very well.
well, in light of a situation that i just handled, i do have the same haterd i spoke about in an earler post, id like to feel that hate isint warented for anything, but i cant seem to conger anything else up. i did , however, fix and finish the whole fu*%ing thing. and the immediate problem is a thing of the past. i would ordinarily breathe a sigh of relief after this kind of thing, but there is no end to the bullshit that i have and , im sure, will endure over the imature life of someone i use to know.

Two in the Chest and One to the Dome

today is the begining of a new set of ideas for me. i have started a weekend of work (this time here in crossett) and i have learned new information that have helped me grow a healthy and more reasonable hatred and distrust of someone i know already to be untrustworthy. these feelings have been a long time in coming. i have been putting them off for a while under the guise of , oh i dont need to feel this way, and it wont really help anything. well i think that it will. this type of attitude isint my norm. i dont stay mad long usualy and when i get that way i will try to reason it out. non of that will work here, and i dont really have a problem with it.
moving right along my christian friends, i did have a drink or two last night and much to my supprise i didnt really enjoy it all that much. i felt like it was almost too much trouble. hummm this could be the start of the end of something. who knows? well im off to make another weekend dream come true.......by working all day.
ahhhhh life as a working class tax payer.

My Great Big House

tonight my kids are @ thier moms. i didnt really expect to have this night to myself. i didnt make any plans. i didnt go and visit my parents, i didnt do anything. this is where i normally go into the "im so lonely i could cry" rutineBUT. i cant say this for tonight. this house does seem really damn big but, i had lots of time to sit in front of the computer and ebay out of control. i spent a good deal of time listening to all the songs that i have on my pc. i have some stinkers on here from when the kids either got them themselves or i downloaded them for them. most of my music is good. really good, one might think that i chose each of these songs according to my own personal tast. lol
anyone remember Ambrosia " your the biggest part of me" and "your the only woman", "baby come back" and who could forget "thats how much i feel". how about chris isaak "blue spanish sky" if youve never heard that ond i highly sugest it. then there is other music that i cant recomend but i cant leave out or this wouldnt be an acurate representation of marcus without STP " sour girl". winamp is on suffel and next in line are the commodores with "brickhouse" and rihght now in shakin' it down down.* dances areond in chair like a dork* but i am keeping time. all those years of playing music paid off. i can nwo dance in my chair like a dork. HEEELLLLL YEEEEAAAAHHH! wup ......roxanne, you dont have to put on the red light. this is the song that made me buy a cd player in 1986. oddly enough the first cd i ever got was the beatles - help. man how diverse now its tori amos - caught a light sneeze. during witch she makes refernce to PHM by NIN. another fav from another incarnation of my continueing saga. this could go on until forever, as i have over 2k songs on here. so i will go for now, back into the depths of my house , streched out before me like an unexplored universe dark and distant. its surely a two day hike to my kitchen and i need, neeeeed more mt dew pitch black. huh my great big house. parting thought. the man with the golden gun thinks he knows so much!

Not Just Not...

i just havent been in the mood to do anything this weekend. i am here im mcgehee, doing this thing. i think i am burning out. i dont seem to have much fire for anything. the only thing i really want to do is get my kids and go home. i should say of the few things a have the ability to do . i would really like to go out on a date or have someone to umm....well....share a....a date.hee hee. tess if your reading i love you dont read that last part. lol i do have women i could "go out" with but some how that just dosent seem to be enough. i am looking for a good relationship (arent we all) no drama, no bullshit. there is always some getting to know you stuff, i know that but, i am a nice guy with plenty to offer and i want that in return. a nice girl with a stable mind and a purpose. funny, cool, like movies and music , who likes to talk and laugh, who dosent have a problem with holding up the guy( sometimes) who holds up my world. i will find her, and when i do i cant wait for us to lean or each other. partners. ahh as long as i just keep the faith right? and now turning to other news........ lotsa sick ppl latley. i have to say that with 99% of these ppl i leave it with them at the time clock. i did, however, wonder about one of my patients. very sick but getting better. i hope she does get better. i hope all of my past patients get better but i thought of this one in particular. well i have lots of paper work to finish before i go to bed. gotta get up and got to work at home tomarrow morning. one hospital or the other right. its a living.

Small Victorys

i am here to say that i have been through the gauntlet AGAIN and once again.... i have come throught only slightly slimmer for the jurney. i thought for a bit that i wouldnt get to see my "other" kids BUT it didnt happen and i feel like i have won the lottery. i dont like to mention my ex much but she and i have been at odds a little latley. it better now, but it was touch and go with my older kids for a couple of hrs. it affected us all. we are now, all happy.

Ahhhh dadhood

dosent matter if its my very young or my oldest i have a great time with the kids. tess and i had time to talk, really talk about the things that she needed to talk to someone about. some about family , some about friends some about herself. there was even some about me. it was a good talk and we needed to share these thoughts and this time together. i do get down sometimes and there isint much i can do about that( i guess we all do) but this is the way to get over it. spending time with ppl who love you no matter about whatever. it is honest and it dosent get tired. ahh this is a large part of of what i feel compelled to have in life,dadhood. these guys are great. keegan was in the living room, watching tv.

Caden,me and Tess in her normal state, on the phone. 

...just a bit longer

i guess i've made it almost through this day without going crazy or loosing it and going on a killing spree or sliding "further down the spiral". in guess it will be ok. we'll see tomarrow.well maybe i will take off some soon and try to hang out or maybe get out of town. who knows just as long as i get a break in this action. that is if existing is considered doing something.

a sweeet little story about happiness and comfort

i have this deep seeded volcano of hatred building up inside that is trying to burst to the top. maybe its just valintines day, maybe i am growing a real honest to god boiling, swirling, churning, thickining caldron of bitter hate and disgust for my situation. maybe for my ex. maybe for ..... maybe i just need.... need i dont need anything. i have. almost enough money to do what ever i want. almost enough time with my kids. almost enough time at work to kill a person. almost... i have been trying to look on the bright side of things and to tell the truth i just dont see it. i cant stand to feel this way i hate it. i dont have such a bad life i just dont seem to have what im after. i have the most precious thing in the world with my kids. but , here we go, man cannot live by bread alone. this attitude isint going to get me anywhere, i know this. i just dont see how to get around it. this is the state of mind that changes ppl. this feeling of betrayal, anger, OOH GREAT. snot in the keyboard. that really ups the resale value.what do u frickin' know, of all things that made me feel better. being a respiratory therapist just paied off. right in the middle of a stupid mood worsining rant, my nose gets runny and i get snot, of all things, on my keybaord. insten of sending me that half-an- inch into"open fire" i actualy feel better. i know that this is no fix for my problems, hell if a little snot were the answer to my problems i would be the most in tune, happiest and well adjusted person on the planet, its what i do for a living. sence i feel a slice better i wont look a gift hoarse in the mouth.

chillin' 

Double Cheese Burger 

wow seems ive been gone for a while, its not intentional. i have been working. its been busy latley. we're paying for the nice slow start to this season. when it gets cold out ppl stay indoors. staying couped up isint the best for some. oh well, thats the end of my whining about that. my mood has been kinda somber latley. not too outwardly happy. im sort of the guy thats always ready with a joke, or a silly/witty coment about what ever at the drop of a hat. this has been my title so long i feel compeled to do it even sometimes when its not necessary, or worse when its not right to do. Hi, my name is marc and im a habitual joke teller and comment maker. HJTACM anonymous. i would like to say thanks again to a new friend Jin for making me a cool button. and thanks to Steph for putting it on my blog for me. maybe one of these days i will "get it" and be able to do this kinda stuff too. Hey my little got his pic taken yesterday!!! i will have to put it up as soon as i get it in. he got his sideburns lowered right before he got his picture taken and he is just too cute. then again i might be biased hee hee. ok i will go for now. and ill try to post as close to every day as i can for my sanity and for my friends out here in blogland.

My Little Tribe

these are my little folks. im sure anyone can under stand why i just need my kids around. Raegan is only here when im in mcgehee, so i will have to get my ex to take some pics of her next visit to put on here. the ones i have are old . anyway more to come. i cant figure out the url to these pics to put my pic on my profile. if anyone knows what im talkin' 'bout, let me know.

Caden Vought 

Caden "Mini-me" 

Tess,Caden,and Keegan.

r a m b l i n' , im a ramblin guy...

last night , well, this morning when i wrote that last bit i was quite drunk. i do like to drink but i really dont have much time to. i have been more latly but this is just a thing. i dont look to be able to for ever. i dont want it in my way when i have the kids. and speaking of having the kids my youngest caden has taken to asking me to feed him latly. this seemed to be silly at first but i have to admit that i like to do it. i dont want him to loose his independance, but i dont think he will. i am happy for him to grow up but i dont want it to happen too fast. if i had someone to have another with, i would love to. i always saw myselfwith three kids and for a while i had four. i still have them , well, sort of. raegan lives with her dad for now. when , if , she moves back with her mom i hope to get her on work days like i get the others. im sure i will. these two off days have been good. i was even able to sleep in today. its been a long time for that trick. anyway, to all my friends who read this blog, thanks for being interested! i will be fine. i am not one of those that cant be spoken to so if you seen that im going off the deep end or something feel free to mention it but for now im ok. we should all try to think of a time to get together and grill or something. some weekend im in crossett. maybe ill try to get a day off and we could do it over here. my house isint a palace but i could try to knock the dust off so it would be acceptable. lol. anyway. food for thought.

Alone Again Without You

sorry for all the titals(sp) its just that i cant get aay from the cheesy hair band ideals. like alone again without you dokken. in my dreams....... i have no kids and of course i have been to the jim beam store. i find that reguardless i spend too much time with this guy. only when i have the kids do we meet but within limits. no kids ...no limits. i know i know itsa cop out. yes but you know hey i dont have anyone to say "hey spend some time with me" or" i wish you were here with me insten of with your friend jim" lol he and i are ok i dont really have much time for him . ole ji beam that is. so i just fit him in where he fits. f*#k it i would love to have someone who dosent want me to drink. who frickin cares anyway?

Another Day For You and Me In Paradise

this is just another day. i have been happy for mose of trhis day. i got home and cant seem to keep it going. i have all the kids tonight. i feel maybe just a bit used sometimes. i love to have the kids thats not it. eh... i am going to let this shit run off my back. otherwise i am going to have to grit my teeth till something breaks. i dont even why i get so mad about this stuff. *gritt* gritt* ok im good. time to realign. hi my name is.....my name is.....my name is
shit sounds like ive gone crazy. huhi wish it were that easy.

uh....mm.....sorry bout that.

as i read over these posts i get this picture of myself. its not an awful site but not what i was ready for. before i started this blog i was afraid that the things i would write would be just like this. even with that expectation i hoped for diffrent. the comments i get, i cherrish, but they seem to be trying to cheer me up. im am thankful to have friends who care and want me to be happy, who see that i am a good man(i hope i am) and who enjoy being around me as much as i do them. so what is it. im not UNhappy. humm. its been a long time sence i was single, a long time sence i didnt have someone to be my other half. maybe im just not being patient enough. lol maybe i need a stick to bite on during the recovery after my "other half ectomy" lol lol. pouring alcohol on the wound, deadns things for a bit but no cure there. i have never been a patient man, maybe this will help me to establish some. establish....like im setting up a new government. "the world according to marc". i do enjoy the blog thing though.it is somewhat tharapeutic, although i think i need to have gause on hand to help control all the bleeding ive been doing. bleeding all over every pc i blog on. so to those unfortunate few how read this crap....uh....mm.....sorry bout that.

Allrighty Then

this was , despite the working part, a good day. i didnt have too much to do. i got a nap. i dont get enough sleep normally so over here i catch up. i got to watch several mythbusters episodes. and now i finnished up my charting and paperwork and will now retire to flip bteween monk and the super bowl. i wouldnt even watch but i feel like im supposed to or something. i was always into music way more than sports. i just didnt care. same now. i like ar basketball, but not crazy about much else. i dont hate it though, just not wild for it. anyway. im sure that some ppl would say AAALLLLLLrighty theeeeennnnn. but wait....maybe i would say that.

In My Time of Dying

man there have been lots of deaths latley. ppl are just very sick. not just in crossett either. all over. i missed my little today. my ex called to ask me a question and she was on the speaker phone. all the kids were with her. raegan who dont get to see much was the first to chime in and say hello. i was happy to hear her voice. i could hear cadeo in the back all excited saying "hi daddy, hey daddy HEY. i had to address him seprately to get him to understand that i was saying hi to him too. caden loves me just as much as his little heart possibly can. i love all the kids very much. caden IS diffrent. i know this i think he knows too. the others do also, all but we love onanother very powerfully. the oldest two's father is out of the country and i try to always let them know that i love them just like i did before their mother and i divorced. they are after all still my kids. our feeling is just the same. they didnt divorce me! i dont bear my ex any ill will and i almost like her new bf. ive said on many occasions that out of a room full of men he is probably the one i would have picked for her. all my friends have told me my time is comming. i will get to be happy again. i hope so , im sure i will eventually. ive gotten some good advice from ppl who care, that makes things better. im not even broken hearted . just ready to get on with it. i suppose i will stop whining about it. thats not helping. maybe i just need to start a good book. lol maybe i need a big glas of shut the hell up.

Me and Mini-Me

last night my son (3 yrs old) watched dodge ball, at his request. i fell asleep several times, i guess it must have been on repeat because @ 2 my son was still up watching the movie. we slept in this morning. got a good rest and woke up happy. my boy isint a morning person so he was happy to sleep until he woke up on his own. well, after one more SINGLE viewing of dodgeball we visited my grandmother then went back to pack for mcgehee. i hated to leave after such a good day but i'll take it! the only thing i miss in life (and its a big one) is a companion. a woman to share my ups and downs, and more importantly my wondreful son with.cant say that i really like being a bachelor. my house mate is cool, he's a really good friend. nothing is the same though as having someone you connect with, enjoy just being with, cant wait to come home to, gladly go to work to provide for. my son fits all of these, but a wife is what i need to complete this equation. i guess till i find her(or she finds me) i'll just enjoy what i have.

The Wolf

on the what pulp fiction caracter i am......... the wolf.

You are the king of smooth -- enough said. well ok.....ill go with that. got this over on mr clean's blog.i have been ebaying out of control. there is just too much there for my son,......and me. cool kids clothes, shoes, and so on. i like it. cool stuff for me too. i need to quit my sister( my bookkeeper) will kill me!!! J dont reaad that part! i guess i should take my rusty ass on now. not feelin this mcgehee weekend at all.

Why?

i am about sick of trying to help some ppl. have you ever had a friend that despite your best effort just keeps banging their head against the wall. you say hey, thats a wall if you bang your head against it it will cause pain, maybe even damage. they would reply with yes...i think your right about that.....man i was stupid for doing that.......in punishment for my stupidity i deserve to have my head "banged" against this wall. then i say hey i will explain to you how this is not the answer , well you know this already dont you? yes i know but i got my self into this and ill BANG my way out.WTF it is frustrating FRUSTRATING. is this where i just let go? is this my part of the exercise? have i done what i needed to? " some men you just cant reach" OR do i just need to speak louder with a more sugestive tone? i dont mind helping ppl, but i guess i just dont want to think of it as "banging" my head against a wall either.

What Is and What Should Never Be

i didnt blog yesterday........i am having withdrawal. i should say alot this time. but i cant. crazy huh. there are alot of things i would like to get off my chest but cant due to the nature of this very public medium. lets just say the there seems to be a fine line between what is and what should never be (to barrowa line from led zepplin) i hope that its not wrong to be tired of being the good guy. well...... thats ......ok. i'll leave a space.

ok thats not enough but it'l have to do. he he. its been a trying couple of days off. id rather have been working. and thats saying alot, because i start my 7 in a row today, between crossett and mcgehee. enough griping from me. this is gonna be a good day even if i have to kill to make it so. lol just kidding. i never kill without the voices express direction. um well the voices or the neighbours dog, but one of those has to make the call. he he