In My Time of Dying

man there have been lots of deaths latley. ppl are just very sick. not just in crossett either. all over. i missed my little today. my ex called to ask me a question and she was on the speaker phone. all the kids were with her. raegan who dont get to see much was the first to chime in and say hello. i was happy to hear her voice. i could hear cadeo in the back all excited saying "hi daddy, hey daddy HEY. i had to address him seprately to get him to understand that i was saying hi to him too. caden loves me just as much as his little heart possibly can. i love all the kids very much. caden IS diffrent. i know this i think he knows too. the others do also, all but we love onanother very powerfully. the oldest two's father is out of the country and i try to always let them know that i love them just like i did before their mother and i divorced. they are after all still my kids. our feeling is just the same. they didnt divorce me! i dont bear my ex any ill will and i almost like her new bf. ive said on many occasions that out of a room full of men he is probably the one i would have picked for her. all my friends have told me my time is comming. i will get to be happy again. i hope so , im sure i will eventually. ive gotten some good advice from ppl who care, that makes things better. im not even broken hearted . just ready to get on with it. i suppose i will stop whining about it. thats not helping. maybe i just need to start a good book. lol maybe i need a big glas of shut the hell up.